If you want to miss the crap, start reading at where the arrow points.
I am bothered. I am upset. I am writing because I need to express these emotions. So that I dont have to repeat this story over and over again if my friends would ask. I am writing so the persons I want to tell this story with doesnt have to react at every statement that Id have to say. So instead of saying something that might interrupt me from relaying the whole thing, he/she just have to keep on reading.
Before I start, I've realized that "If something makes you upset, and you acknowledge that you are sad, you are about to go feel sadder, because you would remember every possible thing that can make your day crap."
Now. This is about something crap. If you don't want you're time wasted for it, you can just quit reading. For I'm writing to express. Not to make it interesting for you. By the tone of this, you might have the idea that, I'm not in a quite good mood while writing this. Yeah, this isnt the only thing that upsets me though and if you think Im overeacting, you are entitled of your opinion, and I wont rob you the joy of criticizing me in your thoughts.
Okey, Im sorry if my words above upset you. I am just not my happy self.
--------------> start here.
What do you do when love comes back when you're ready to let go? Oh scratch that. That's a line my friend asked me back in high school. I still remember that line perhaps because of how ironic it is. What I wanted to say plainly is, what if one day you are happy about your life and here goes you're ex, appearing with short notice with all the eternal promises you wish you heard 7 months ago? yeah? Make it 8. Make it a year. Not now. Not ever.
I was sleeping till mid-day and it was past 2pm that I was awakened by a phone call. Tried to ignore it but the sound of a phone ringing just makes one pick up, guess that's what people call instinct. "Hello?" Twas my friend saying "Oh you were still sleeping?" he asked. I was embarassed that it might be the sound of my voice that gave him that notion. I can feel his embarassment for waking me up though. I wanted to be of help of whatever he might be calling about so I said "No its okay, what is it?" So he said he'd be coming over at my house, oh, my parents house, for "they" have don't have something better to do, oh those werent the exact words but thats how I understood it. He was coming with my ex. Yeah, ex-boyfriend. I complained about it, that I wanted to sleep and if he hadn't called I'd still be in dreamland. Fantasizing about a happy fairy tale. He handed the phone over to my ex. I heard a familiar voice on the other line telling me they'd come for a visit. It's warm and they want refreshments, "we were barkada after all". I managed to battle it up will all alibis I can think of, the house in not clean, the fridge is empty and I have nothing to prepare for them. "We'd bring food so you don't have to bother preparing" and he joked about being used to how our house is arranged. I said no, initially. I sounded conversational and chummy as I usually do. Talking to him is easy, its familiar but its bothersome. I gave every reason for it not to push through but Im half awake so my mind was, buffering like 128 kbps, what to do?
Its been more than 6 months since the break up. Though we havent talked about it face to face, I have indicated it more than a dozen of times that if is over. On the duration of 6 months though, we have met twice. One was an accidental meeting where he stared at me for 5 seconds, looked away, past through me and I didnt know if he looked back for I havent. Another was when he said he'd be attending mass and he is alone. We were still on our communicating phase, I was with my friends and keeping him company wouldn't hurt. That was 3-4 months after the break up and it seem okay. As smooth as it can be, it went fine as we grabbed a meal after the mass. At that meeting though, he have asked for a chance and that I didnt grant. Several times though a phone call and text messages he had, that time, it was in person. I made it crystal clear that my decision was final and irrevocable. I sensed he was upset by it. We separate ways as "old friends who seem to be strangers now but hopeful someday we can be and stay friends."
So this is the third meeting then. When I realized there's nothing I can do to stop them from coming over. I rose and check what possibly I can prepare. Filipino hospitality. I was complaining like hell to my siblings as to why he has to bother me by this time. I'm happy now. And this is such a pain in the ass as I have to think of what to prepare. Not to mention that our fridge doesn't get stuffed with lots of things to just grab and swallow, for no food survives a week in this household. Yeah, that kind of appetite. Managed to see some ingredients for a basic spag so I grabbed my towel and decided to shower. I'd have to work so I better get ready first. Put on warm clean clothes, I dont have to look good, I wanted to wear something he havent seen before though. For I don't want him to see a familiar look of me. For I have moved on and if I have to flaunt that, I would. Great thing about it is, since Im not impressing anyone, I dont have to bother to look good. Wore a pair of pants and house clothes for top, headed to the kitchen to start preparing.
At that time, I thought, "perhaps this is has to happen" and that "maybe there is a need for this." After all, we never really had that face to face closure heart breaking talk before. And as ironic as it maybe seem, a friend and some acquaintances actually mentioned it the day before. The closure talk has to take place personally, where eyes can meet and mean it.
Right after the break up, there was silence. No communication at all. Perhaps a month passed by before he realized he was actually losing me. Not to mention the stage that we werent in good terms anymore. Now that I mentioned, let me just incorporate it here too. We weren't in great shape before the break up. I have felt Ive been taken for granted. I am not the type of girlfriend who demands much but yeah lets skip the drama of the why-it-lead-to-separation because that's not why I'm upset now. Well after the break up, yeah there had been a time when he wanted to meet me. But I was final with my decision of not wanting any of it anymore. Him, the relationship, the crap, no I want none of those. After a month? Come on. I'm not going back to square one. I have thought about it couple of times before I finally declared "its over". I had been long since I had the courage and means to finally get through it. Im not just coming back. I refuse to meet him because I dont want to, because there is nothing to talk about, because I'd only hurt him anyway why does it have to be in person, because I'm doing okay moving on, because I think Im liking someone, because my family and friends and new workmates think I shouldnt as well. Because I might fall back, instead of move on.
It was not long till they arrived, I let my brother open up the gate for them. I invited them in and they stayed at the porch as I went back in to get them something to drink. My brother talked to them as I was cooking. Served them the triple chocolate cake they brought and going back and forth as I was checking the pasta. With little chit chats in between about work, job interviews, pets and parents nagging about getting a job and licensure exams and weight and being fat and my hair and if it suit me. Anything deep or emotional, just the usual anything goes conversation. He mentioned he had something to give me. I went back to finish cooking.
Even after that person that I thought I like slip through my hands, I never thought of going back to him, to that relationship that I let go. It was painful for me too. It was a pain every person who have had their hearts broken know of. It's the kind that doesnt make you sleep when you have to. The type that will make you cry for hours and it just wont stop. The feeling of being so hopeless and helpless and all you can think about is the pain that only gets worse as tears fall. The type that would make you want to just sleep and forget about the world existing and stay in dreamland where everything is bright and sunny. The kind that makes you feel you're the ugliest person in the world and you makes you think what bad thing could you have done to deserve such pain. The crying that makes your eyes so puffy that you dont want anyone to see for they may ask why. The whys and what-went-wrong-to-the-happy-couple inquiries that you get tired of repeating the story of what made you decide to let go. Let go of something you are unhappy about. Let go of a relationship that you seem to be the only one holding on to. The what if you go back together talks that you avoid so you isolate your self from all others on the annoyance of why dont they just help me move on by accepting that it can just never be as it is before. I have told him, "we are never ever ever going back together." As lyrical and as silly as it may sound, as bitter as T.S. sing it, I meant that. I still mean it. It had been painful and difficult. But I had been certain and firm that even if it breaks my heart into pieces, over and over again, I'm not going back to have him fix it just because its easier that way. "I want to be happy, I was a happy person before we met and even after that. But this relationship doesnt make me happy anymore. And I want to be happy, even if it is without you", this was how I started saying goodbye.
A realization, "Happiness is within, you don't need to be dependent on others for it. Happiness is internal, it radiates outside through a smile, it is amplified with laughter, it is genuine when shared."
The dish was ready so I served it immediately. Okay I don't think it tasted good as my brother mentioned "not like the restaurant", he was the only one who said its good though without me threatening. All others were kidding about it. Not worried, though its embarassing for my other brother's guest who was helping out assembling the CPU we bought the previous night. When we finished eating, I notice the time and I realize I better start preparing and they better keep going. On their way out, he scanned his wallet and handed me some things, my photos and some letters. some teared. I asked where the scrap book and diary from my in house was, he said he threw them away already. He admitted he didn't though, moments after. He should have given me back those things too.
A break up isnt a break up if its not heart breaking. Perhaps that's the reason why its called "break" up after all. But love, when it enters our lives, it doesnt leave without changing us to the depth of our being. No matter how painful it is, the learnings and the insights we get from it is nothing like we can experience in any other situations. The feeling of loving and caring for someone who reciprocates it, is not like any other. It is exceptional. But as wonderful as it feels, the worse it does too when you decide to let go. Its like a part of you dies. Like a favorite song you'll never hear again. A pain that never goes away. Only to realize, it does.
He brought his new bike. It was black Suzuki raider and its nice. We both find driving a bike is cool and fun. It was a common interest and I'm glad he had that for himself. I asked what the name of it was, he mentioned he hasn't named it. I told him to give it one for "Anything that you give a name becomes special." Like a dog is just like any other dog until you give it a name. I got a workmate who calls his bike "Dora" and that's cute, isnt it? He said he'd drop off my friend where he could get a PUJ and he'd be back for me. He doesnt have an extra helmet so I figured he'd give me a ride till the end of the block. I refused as I told him I love to live longer. He said he'd be waiting, I don't have much time to argue. And yes, we haven't had "that" conversation yet. Otherwise, he might suggest to meet me some other time. I wouldn't want that. This has to end now. How many times to break up with this guy by the way?
Arguement is inevitable in every relationship. And even after we cut the ties of that relationship we argued still. Once he texted me and begged. I was like, "after all this months, why now?" He told me everything I wanted to hear months earlier. How sorry he was. How he'd do eveything for me. How he'd be serious about his studies, plan for dates and special occassions and how he'd sing to me every night till I fall asleep. How he'd do everything to take me back. It was too late though. I want none of those things anymore. I know I love him still. I want him to be happy and successful. I want him to grow up and mature and find a girl who can bring out the best of him. I wasnt that person. Perhaps I didnt inspire him that much as the girl that is right for him can. Someone who'd make him want to be better. Someone who'd he want to prepare surprises for. Someone he'd want a good life with that will make him persevere and work hard. Someone he'd talk about future plans and children and travels. I thought so that he deserve someone better than I am. Someone who wont leave him even if the going gets tough. Someone who'd give him the consideration, patience and understanding I failed to give. Someone who'd love him more than I did. Someone he'd love and take care more than he did to me.
He was waiting for me and I joked about me wanting to live till I'm old. Oh, I'm not really kidding, its true. I want to live till my 80's and there are places I want to go, food I wanna eat, jobs I wanna try, someone I want to meet and if I'm lucky, live the rest of my life with. Ambitious. But dreams are for free. Well, I rode anyway reminding him to slow down, when we reached the end of the block he asked if we can stay for a moment. I have to keep going or I'd be late. He said if it was really goodbye. When I said "yes", he asked if there is someone else. Without hesitation, I told him that "there is someone I think I like." I can see his disappointment and a surprise he tried to hide. He asked if we were together. I didnt answer that directly for I told him "I think he likes me too." I heard he was asking my friend out and I wanted to know if he is serious about her, he told him he did that to seek attention. Moreover, he added that there are few girls he garnered attention with, to keep away from the loneliness he was feeling, to have something to do. Then I realized there are something we'd have to talk about. He just cant fool around like that, not to one of the few close friends that I have. I told him to go home and leave his bike so we can take a ride together. He agreed and as planned, we met again. Deep and serious conversations this time.
We talked in our way. I knew about the girls he is seeking attention with, its a handful. I joked about him feeling handsome about it. He told him it was still me, as it had always been. Then he said he'd show me something and he'd want to hear what I think about it. He took out his phone and browse on pictures. It was a photo of him and a girl around her mid twenties or older. Their face were so near that their cheeks met, they were smiling like they are having a great time and her arm was around head to keep it close. I looked at it and the first thought was, she's not that beautiful, second is she might be too old for him, third is, their faces are close in these photo. Then i told him jokingly "I don' like her eyebrows", then "she looks like a bitch, i meant, sorry i don't know her but just the looks though." He said its not what he meant, and I told him "If you'd have a photo like that, please do it with someone you are happy with, and please, someone beautiful." He said he met this girl once and he shared about him and I. She told him that they'd take a pic and he's have to show it to me to know how I'd feel. Then, I got what he meant. For if would have hurt if I still want him. Suprisingly, the first thing that I noticed was her eyebrows. Im glad about it. When he was still the owner of my thoughts, the idea of him hooking up with someone else scares and hurts me. I thought that I might break down and burst into tears. Like a hammer pounding your heart till its totally devastated. To his dismay and to by surprise, Im okay.
My heartache had disminished as time passed. Slowly, until hurts just become a piece of memory. Perhaps I have cried it all out that the pain have just gone away. Or maybe it was due to help of the awesome people around me. One thing that amazes me is that since the break up, I haven't plead for him to get back with me. I've doing that a lot of times during out relationship that, was tiring, took its toll on me. On one of the several occassions he asked for a chance, I had told him "What we were, what we used to be, is over and done. Notice the verbs? Past tense." That night, I got more than a hundred missed calls, if my memory serves me right, it was 121 missed calls. That is just freaky. He may have loved me. I loved him. But if I had to be harsh to make him understand its over, then I'd be. How many times do I have to break up with him by the way? How will I make him understand that it is indeed goodbye forever. I had cut off all means of communication, no text messages, no calls, no chat, I blocked him in my Facebook account. I've done that to help us, both, to move on and just keep moving forward. For once I have thought I am okay but when I stalked him and see his photos with his friends, I have realized, "not yet". It still hurt. It still sting. He still cross my mind in random usual occassions. Perhaps I've been used to that. Like something inside me whispers his name. I shouldn't be surprised. He had been the owner of my heart and thoughts for a long time. It doesn't just change overnight.
We walked through the long park, he was constantly begging, telling me he's do anything and everything just to make me happy. That I'm the only one he could ever love, that there isnt a day or an hour that he didnt think about me. That he cant sleep when he have to and he is doing his best to be better. That he will cook for me instead. He told me he wants me back numerous times and I can't remember how many times I said the word no that night, "no", "my answer will always be no", "it's no forever". I told him "i dont want the relationship back", "i dont want it now, not ever", and he just wouldn't stop. He was constantly pleading, sobbing like a child. Though i see no tears in his eyes, I can see right thru it that he is hurting and sincere. It was embarassing though and people were looking, wondering. I can feel the stare of people who pass us by. It was like that on repeat. I was getting really tired about it. It is frustrating and I felt sorry for him. I felt how much he wants it back. Me back. But I just don't feel the same way. When he wouldnt just stop, I was getting really annoyed so I told him, "Listen, okay let me tell you this, I think I really like that person. No. I love him. I love him already. For him I am willing to sacrifice whatever is left for this relationship. I'd trade the depth of our frienship for that tiny chance to be happy with him. Please respect that." I turned my back to him and walked away, as fast as I can. I can see worry in the expression of the girls sitting on the grass at the park. I wanted to know what painted those bothered looks. But I chose to increase my pace. For if I'd look back, I might go back for him.
He called out my name. I said "What? Im so late!" He said that at least we'd walk together. I was really late so I walked as fast as I can. He managed to keep with my pace. Asking me to listen, I was irate and I told him to just keep walking and I'm listening. He told me he'd never stop loving me. He can't. "If that guy that you are liking, courts you and hurts you after all." I said in thoughts "I won't regret it." He continued, "I am just here, okay? You can go back to me." That I didn't expect. Perhaps, we can never tell what the future may bring us. As I walk away I thought, someday, he'd be happy. With or without me.
 |
| Photo from tumblr.com |
